BreaktothePass

Dracula Essay

Mon, 17 May 2010 00:52:49 -0400

Taylor Cunningham
Rich, p.4
Bible as Lit
Biblical Allusions in Dracula

    Biblical allusions are often utilized by authors to establish or support themes and/or motifs in their works. Such is the case with Bram Stoker’s Dracula, where Stoker employs direct and indirect allusions to the Bible to build foundations under an important theme.
    An overall theme of Dracula is itself a Biblical allusion: the battle between good and evil, or God and Satan, respectively. Stoker analogously compares the contagious nature of sin, spread by the Devil, with the infectiousness of the Undead; as an intended result, Count Dracula essentially becomes a representation of Satan. Several events in Dracula bear resemblance to those in the Bible to prove Stoker’s analogy true; namely, the conversion of minor and major characters into the ranks of the Undead. To account for the figure of good, Stoker forthrightly emphasizes the forces of love and trust present in the protagonists.    An early foreshadowing of Dracula’s contagious powers is delivered in Jonathan Harker’s visit to the novel’s initial setting, Castle Dracula in Transylvania, when Dracula’s concubines appear, and one of them nearly drinks his blood: “Then she paused, and I could hear the churning sound of her tongue as it licked her teeth and lips, and could feel the hot breath on my neck […] I could feel the soft, shivering touch of the lips on the super-sensitive skin of my throat, and the hard dents of two sharp teeth, just touching and pausing there”(Stoker 41). Although not yet revealed to the reader at this point in the novel, such behavior is unmistakably attributed to that of the Undead; through it, these women can be assumed to be the Undead spawn of Dracula. Later, Professor Van Helsing corroborates the basis of this assumption after describing the fate of Mina Harker, who is also infected by Dracula: “If the Count escape us this time - and he is strong and subtle and cunning - he may choose to sleep him for a century, and then in time [Mina] […] would come to him to keep him company, and would be as [Dracula’s concubines] that you, Jonathan, saw”(Stoker 386).
    A complete example of the conversion process Dracula inflicts is given by the fate of Lucy Westenra. Unlike the concubines, Stoker sheds light on the condemning act Dracula commits to infect her: the draining of blood. Dracula continues to do so until Lucy’s mortal life comes to an end, and she transitions into the immortal life of a vampire; this transition, and the infectious nature of Dracula, is described by Van Helsing: “…for all that die from the preying of the Un-Dead become themselves Un-Dead”(Stoker 230).
    The power of Dracula is emphasized by way of extreme contrast between good and evil in the micro example of Lucy. Lucy is characterized with the essence of good and purity, to such a degree as to be deemed angelic. Her face becomes a symbol of the immortal struggle within her; John Seward describes it in its mortal light with the appreciation, “God! How beautiful she was. Every hour seemed to be enhancing her loveliness”(180), and in its immortal stage, “The sweetness was turned to adamantine, heartless cruelty, and the purity to voluptuous wantonness”(226). By transforming the angelic Lucy into a creature of evil, Stoker illustrates Dracula’s power to be overwhelming, even to the most qualified harbingers of good.
    Stoker uses Mina as the last instance of Dracula’s unholy corruption. This example differs from that of the concubines and Lucy in that it provides an in-depth testimony of the experience of the transformation itself; as such, it is made personal to the reader. The consequences of the dread process become vividly overbearing, and as a result, a strong emotional appeal against Dracula is generated. With this, the evil he represents is demonstrated with finality.
    The less subtle analogous relationship between the force of good and the protagonists of the novel is revealed through several instances of love and trust between these characters. Events testifying to the validity of this relationship include the donation of blood to Lucy from Lord Godalming, Dr. Seward, Van Helsing, and Quincy Morris, several vows of allegiance and loyalty made by each of the protagonists, and webs of tireless emotional support weaved between them. After Dracula performs the “Vampire’s Baptism” on Mina and infects her, each of the men join her in a vow; “Then without a word we all knelt down together, and, all holding hands, swore to be true to each other”(Stoker 322). Loyalty, generally associated with the idea of good, is established between the band of righteous vampire hunters. Another aspect of good, love, is demonstrated several times throughout the novel; the most prevalent of which is Harker’s completely selfless love for Mina. He writes in his diary, “To one thing I have made up my mind: if we find out that Mina must be a vampire in the end, then she shall not go into that unknown and terrible land alone […] so the holiest love was the recruiting sergeant for their ghastly ranks”(Stoker 322). This is the ultimate attestation of love present within the group of protagonists; Harker is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice, eternal damnation, to help Mina. The fact that the other men reflect his attitude by continuing their hazardous quest fully illuminates this love, and there can be no further doubt that Stoker means to analogize them with good or God.
    Given this well of evidence, it is clear that Stoker analogizes Dracula with Satan; by painting a picture of Dracula’s power as an overwhelmingly infectious corruption and coupling the image with a repugnant emotional appeal against it, the bridge between his unholy power and sin is forged. It is also clear that the novel‘s protagonists are representative of God. Stoker then pits these forces against one another to firmly assert, with the triumph of the protagonists, that good, or God, triumphs over evil, or Satan. The Bible holds an enormous multitude of attestations to this theme; one such story that connects with Stoker’s novel and represents this idea well is that of David and Goliath in 1 Samuel. Goliath is a warrior of terrifying reputation; “Then Saul said to David, ‘You are not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him; for you are but a youth while he has been a warrior from his youth’”(1 Samuel 33). Despite Goliath’s dominating physical prowess, David rises to meet him in battle and slays him with the power of God. In both 1 Samuel and Dracula, the power of good enables the protagonist(s) to defeat a seemingly overwhelming force.
    The theme of good versus evil in “Dracula” presents prime opportunities for Stoker to employ several Biblical allusions categorical of such a motif in order to support it. One such allusion is the constant use of the Crucifix to ward off the evil forces of the Undead.
    A foreshadowing of the cross’ power against evil is given when Dracula is shaving Harker in his castle, “…he suddenly made a grab at my throat. I drew away, and his hand touched the string of beads which held the crucifix. It made an instant change in him, for the fury passed so quickly that I could hardly believe that it was ever there”(Stoker 27). Later, there are several plain instances of the Undead’s abhorrence to the crucifix. When the Undead Lucy flinches from it, “She recoiled from [the crucifix], and, with a suddenly distorted face, full of rage, dashed past him…”(Stoker 227), and when it protects the protagonists in a confrontation with Dracula in his makeshift Piccadily lair, “Instinctively I moved forward with a protective impulse, holding the Crucifix and Wafer in my left hand. I felt a mighty power fly along my arm; and it was without surprise that I saw the monster cower back before a similar movement made spontaneously by each one of us”(Stoker 332), the repulsion is evident.
    What ties these examples into a Biblical allusion is the manner the Crucifix is used; in repulsing evil, it becomes symbolic of Jesus’ authority over forces of evil in the Bible. Multiple Biblical accounts establish His authority over demons. For example, Jesus exorcises two violent demons in Matthew 8:25, drives a demon out of a boy in Matthew 17:18, and sends two thousand demon-possessed swine to drown in the sea. These examples attribute to Jesus a holy authority against which evil stands helpless. Because the Crucifix is representative of Jesus, it is clear that Stoker means to transfer His authority to the protagonists of the novel. He does this concretely when they make a vow to pursue Dracula: “The Professor stood up and, after laying his golden crucifix on the table, held out his hand on either side”(Stoker 256). They are essentially taking the authority of Jesus to defeat the demonic Dracula; the Biblical allusion of the Crucifix, then, supports the overall theme of the dominance of good over evil.
    Another Biblical allusion that supports the novel’s theme, Dracula’s anti Christ-like figure, is delivered in the form of Renfield, Dr. Seward’s pet asylum patient. Though largely an enigma, the certifiable madman holds several apparent qualities that characterizes Dracula as a Satanic figure, with Renfield himself being his prophet; a perverted allusion to Jesus and John the Baptist.
    Renfield quotes Scripture in a confused and backwards manner; he delivers it with jumbled words. This reflects the perverted nature of the allusion he represents. He refers to the story of Enoch, “If I may state my intellectual position I am, so far as concerns things purely terrestrial, somewhat in the position which Enoch occupied spiritually!”(Stoker 291). As Enoch walked by God’s side, Renfield wants to walk by his “Lord and Master’s”(Stoker 167) side. Another trait possessed by Renfield that dissimilates him from John the Baptist is his twisted obsession with consuming blood. After attacking Dr. Seward for his blood, he cries in frenzy, “The blood is the life! The blood is the life!”(Stoker 151). Renfield’s religious thirst for blood contradicts the mandate in Leviticus, “You are not to eat the blood of any flesh, for the life of all flesh is its blood; whoever eats it shall be cut off”(Leviticus 17:14). Here is a marked perversion of Renfield’s religious endeavors; it accentuates Dracula’s direct opposition to the power of God.
    Although there are some aspects of Renfield’s representation of John the Baptist that are backward, there are also striking similarities which prove this representation to be true. As John the Baptist prayed to God, Renfield prays to Dracula: “I am here to do Your bidding, Master. I am Your slave, and You will reward me, for I shall be faithful. I have worshipped You long and afar off. Now that You are near, I await Your commands, and You will not pass me by, will You, dear Master, in Your distribution of good things?”(Stoker 110). His faithfulness matches that of John the Baptist; he then says, “I shall be patient, Master. It is coming — coming — coming!”(Stoker 111). This prediction parallels John the Baptist’s prophecies of Christ’s coming, for Dracula indeed arrives to carry out his evil will.
    Stoker uses the prophetic role of Renfield to emphasize Dracula’s representation of an anti Christ figure. While the similarities between Renfield and John the Baptist establish a concrete relationship, the twisted differences contrast Dracula’s satanic figure against Jesus’ holy figure and ultimately illustrate Dracula’s anti Christ-like stature.
    Stoker uses several Biblical allusions to support a main theme of Dracula, which is a Biblical allusion itself: the power of good over evil. Through Dracula’s satanic character confirmed by prophetic analogies and characters and symbols representative of God’s holiness, Stoker asserts that the forces of good will overcome those of evil.

Omegle Fun

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 01:02:57 -0500

Omegle conversation log

2010-02-02

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!Stranger: IM ON A QUEST TO FIND DEMONFROSTYou: OMGWTFBBQYou: ME TOOYou: I HAVE SEARCHED FAR AND WIDE, BUT TO NO AVAILStranger: THEN WE SHALL SEARCH TOGETHERYou: HAVE YOU, NOBLE SIR, DISCOVERED ANY CLUES ON YOUR JOURNEY?Stranger: no i have notStranger: i only know she speaks to one of sharks and glittersYou: then we have discovered a subquest… to find one of sharks and glittersStranger: we have Stranger: i shall look overe here and you over tehreYour conversational partner has disconnected.

Infantile Hairstyle Abuse

Wed, 20 Jan 2010 00:46:00 -0500

Infantile hairstyle abuse is a growing problem. There are countless cases of parents, for whatever reason, putting ridiculous hairstyles on the heads of their children. Gender confusion, the pure tragedy of it, and downright danger make this issue one of the most important of the 21st century. Infantile hairstyle abuse must be banned.
I went on a cruise once. My friends and I (perfectly sane and reasonable individuals, by the way) were ascending the decks of the ship via elevator, when a couple and their small child boarded on the sixth deck. The child, equipped with a pony tail-esque head of hair, launched a beach ball frightfully near the face of one of my friends, Madison. Being an understanding and child-loving girl, she kindly returned the ball and playfully admonished the child, chiming, “Watch it girl! You almost hit me!” The parents quietly scolded her, and for the next twenty seconds or so, everyone stood in silence. As the doors opened and the young family prepared to dismount the elevator, the mother turned around, faced Madison, said in a cold undertone, “He’s a boy,” and promptly exited onto the third deck. While Madison was quite abashed, incidents such as this possess a much more serious influence on the abused child. It is likely that the child has and will endure many similar cases of people mistaking his gender due to a cross-gender hairstyle; these memories will mold into a foundation that will directly result in confusion regarding his gender. “Am I a boy? Was I supposed to be a boy? Then why did my parents give me girly hair? Maybe I’m really a girl! No, that can’t be it,” he will argue back and forth with himself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with people who switch genders, cross-dress, or any of that. The issue of importance in this grave matter is the negative impact the confusion will have on this boy. Plagued with uncertainty, he will lack stability of sexual orientation. The consequent inner turmoil deserves our utmost concern.
An old man named Gerald, an accomplished New Guinean fisherman back in his glory days, sat in a solitary armchair in the center of the Nordstrom’s department store in the Brea Mall. There is much to know about old Gerald. Wasted with age, he stood a pitiful 5’3’’ and weighed less than he cared to admit. But Gerald had a demeanor about him, one whose aspects infused any person’s affectations toward him with utmost respect. Such a demeanor, fueled by an inexplicably powerful history accompanying this old man, led him to the armchair on this tragic day, for his apparent superiority compelled him to gaze upon the bustling crowd of Brea townsfolk for disdainful amusement. As Gerald observed the Nordstrom shoppers, a mother and her daughter caught his eye. He could not tell exactly what it was that stole his attention; apart from a slight mono brow and a black and blue fingernail on the mother, the pair seemed to blend with the crowd. He stared as the mother led her daughter by the hand across the store, frustrated with his inability to distinguish the pair’s quality of specificity. Just as they crossed the threshold of the exit and out of sight, he put his finger on it; the daughter had a Mohawk! So little time had he to register this fact that he only had a split second to really look at it. That fraction of time, however, proved to be his tragedy; the image of the small girl with spikes on her head had cast a spear into his heart. To see an innocent child subjected to the questionable and often humiliating fads of society proved too much for him to take. In a single, morbidly graceful motion, Gerald fell to the floor and died of a broken heart. Any sentient individual can sympathize with Gerald’s downfall, and agree that seeing small children with ridiculous hair destroys their heart.
A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens is a popular rendition of the true value of Christmas. Mr. Scrooge’s experience with haunting visages teaches one to value family, love, and giving during Christmas time. While this may pose a valuable lesson to a morally declining society, Mr. Scrooge’s journey is but a mere distraction from the true moral issue of the story. Often played as a minor character, Tiny Tim earns the pity and sympathy of the audience; how could he not, being terminally afflicted with polio. His suffering is a crucial contribution to the true moral lesson. However, the tragic misguidance begins with the insinuation of blame cast upon Mr. Scrooge. An extremely significant part of A Christmas Carol that is left out in most narrations of the story is exactly how Tiny Tim became afflicted with polio. It is assumed that he was born with it, because of the lack of character foundation given to him in these versions. This is untrue, and, quite frankly, a ridiculous conclusion. In actuality, Tiny Tim was born a healthy young boy. No grave illness touched him until one day, when his parents decided to erect liberty spikes on his small, boisterous head. They thought that in their attempts to transform their son into a social iconoclast, he would acquire and develop qualities essential to success in life. The placement of potentially lethal constructions on Tiny Tim, while well intentioned, created a small ecosystem atop his skull. An ideal environment to nest, it attracted various species of insects and arachnids, including several notorious for carrying viruses. It was only a matter of time before poor Tiny Tim came down with something, and in the end, it was polio. The true moral lesson that should be gained from A Christmas Carol is not that of family, love, and giving during Christmas; no, the lesson learned should be the incredibly powerful and potentially lethal effect of infantile hairstyle abuse, and the seriousness with which it must be dealt with.

Resolutions

Fri, 01 Jan 2010 06:09:00 -0500

I’m going to make a list of lots of trivial resolutions for 2010! I think it will give me some fun when I’m bored, and develop my interesting qualities as an individual. Anyone want to be my trivial resolutions buddy? :D

-Learn to play the guitar

-Learn at least five delicious recipes

-Get at least a 20 ft long jump and a 40 ft triple jump

-Keep a calendar (CHICKS!)

-Get into Soka, USC, and/or Biola

-Become decent at small talk

-Get some pecs

-Run a 10 second 100m

-Get a job

-Ice skate more often

New Year

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 22:32:40 -0500

So I’m kind of bored while i wait to have dinner. I’ll write some stuff!

This year has been really wild for me. I began it with a recent shoulder surgery and a break up on New Year’s Eve, actually exactly one year ago from now. It kind of gave me a bad first impression of 2009. Moving on though, my birthday was great; I got to spend it with my family and friends, just like it should be spent. My shoulder got better, and I really enjoyed my first track season (if you’re reading this and haven’t done track, DO IT!). I made great new friends doing that, as well as having a blast jumping around. Another dark patch hit then, though, when my grandma got really sick around AP testing time. I didn’t sleep much, because there was a lot of moving around and things to take care of, but mostly because I just loved my grandma. She died the week of my APUSH test. Thankfully, there was a lot of family and friends to support me, Cole, and my parents. She was my last grandparent, and really the only one I’d met, so it was a pretty hard blow. But she’s watching over us, and I’m glad she’s in a better place now. The day of her funeral, my long time friend’s mom got really sick (at the reception, incidentally). Just when things seemed to be calming down, we found that she had a brain tumor and immediate operation was necessary. Thankfully, the surgery was a success and she was fine. After that, the year went uphill (in a good way). Summer came, along with an internship and football. My internship was pretty boring, but I got to play video games at it, at least. Football was fun, but that goes without saying. Summer football led into hell week which led into the season. I have to say, I probably couldn’t have hoped for a better season. Last year, I was out with a broken shoulder for most of the season, so I had high hopes. Our hard work paid off when we went 7-3 during the regular season, with some amazing comeback victories, and made it to CIF playoffs. I broke my thumb in the second game against Corona Del Mar, but it really turned out to be a blessing in disguise; the cast was a perfect bludgeoning device to later games. I sustained a leg injury later in the season so I had to miss a couple games, but I got to play in CIF, so I’m happy. This is the first year I’ve had a free period. Now that I’m not in a sport until track season, I can do pretty much anything after 5th period. Having a life is pretty great. I’ve done lots of awesome things with awesome friends. Fitting college apps in the mix sucks, but it hasn’t really done too much to stress me out. That’s pretty much my year, at a glance! I know it’s all about me, I was just bored. So there.

Chocolate

Sun, 27 Dec 2009 15:09:12 -0500

This post goes out to my NCS, nielle! (ps. i want a cubey vid!)

Chocolate is delicious. Not many dissents can be found in the world in response to that factual opinion. But what exactly launches chocolate above other candy? Why is it the most reliably tasty treat? How does it become the safety gift every Christmas? I will explore these questions with a ferocity akin to that of the Spartans in their conquest of Troy, frenzied wolves hunting a gazelle, and Jay Leno’s chin.

Effect.

It is likely that chocolate has historically been the food of royalty, between large limbs of chickens and turkeys. Indeed, Merlin the Wizard probably developed his magical powers from chocolate. Robin Hood gained amazing amounts of energy from chocolate, enabling him to rob the rich and give to the poor (he must have stolen his first chocolate). Eragon’s momentous adventure began not when he found a dragon’s egg in the Spine, but when he consumed some chocolate he found outside a castle a week prior. It is natural from these examples to conclude that chocolate is the essence of triumph.

Taste.

The taste of chocolate is very nearly that of magnificence. Depicted as a disoriented ride through a rather frightening river of dark swirls in several Dove commercials, chocolate’s taste is nothing to be considered lightly. Thousands of individuals worldwide underestimate the powerful taste every year; they scarf down the chocolate, become disoriented, and fall prey to dangerous aspects of their surroundings. One such case came in the peaceful land of Australia. A man purchased a Ghirardelli chocolate piece, ate it, and fell on the ground in a euphoric daze. The resulting cloud of dust alerted several armadillos of his presence. His body was discovered two days later, having ferocious bite marks on his ears and left index finger. An autopsy later revealed the cause of death to be from decapitation; apparently, a crocodile sensed the armadillos nibbling on his still alive ears and left index finger and found the man to be more delicious than his small leathery counterparts. The real cause of death: irresponsible chocolate consumption. So, be weary of chocolate’s taste. It is a formidable force worthy of your serious consideration.

Texture.

Texture is often an underestimated aspect of chocolate. It is important to acknowledge it, because one day it may save your life. There are hundreds of varying textures of chocolate, including solid chocolate, chocolate shells, chocolate dipped items, and liquid chocolate. Liquid chocolate is perhaps the most dangerous of all the textures. Proof comes from an example in Lithuania. A tribe known as Chok Lat employs chocolate in every possible situation. They have huts made of chocolate shells, hardened chocolate arrowheads, chocolate chow for their horses (they go through hundreds of horses each year), chocolate silverware, and chocolate toilets (in case they get sick and have to spend the night over the toilet, they can at least enjoy a delicious treat), among other things with chocolate in it. While this may seem like a five year-old’s fantasy land, there have been dire incidents in the village of Chok Lat. A heretic claiming peppermint to be superior to chocolate was boiled alive in scalding liquid chocolate. You may think this to be a rather venerable death; at least he died in something tasty. However, I can assure you there is nothing fun about this man’s fatal experience. You see, the process of expiring within the depths of boiling chocolate is exquisitely painful. First, the temperature burns the skin off your body. If you somehow survive through that phase, you may just want to kill yourself before the next one. The chocolate will enter your body, permeating your bloodstream and organs. After approximately half an hour, you will have transformed into a delicious human snack and will be promptly devoured by any combination of hungry tribesmen, small children, and suicidal dogs. So, please don’t make any false assumptions about the texture of chocolate; it may be your last.

Viscosity.

Moose like chocolate.

In conclusion, chocolate is higher on the scale of deliciousness than other candy. It is an age-old treat, capable of prolific feats. ‘Nuff said.

Christmas

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 02:19:22 -0500

My Christmas was awesome. For Christmas Eve, my cousin and her family came to my house for dinner. Her two little kids, Ava and Adam, wreaked the havoc one could expect from them, but it was fun. We saw our next door neighbors who we don’t see often anymore, so that was nice. Dinner was courtesy of Bucca di Beppo, a delicious Italian place in Brea; there was lots of spaghetti, lasagna, and this alfredo pork dish. I played Age of Empires for awhile (I can beat a moderate level difficulty now!), then hit the hay. Christmas morning, the most amazing thing happened. My mom was cooking sweet potatoes on the stove, and there was a glass pan of brownies on the other side of it. She accidentally turned up the wrong flame, and the brownies burnt. Apparently hot glass is bad, because it exploded as she held it! Once we confirmed no sustained injuries, I thought it was the coolest thing in the world. Presents were then promptly opened. I got some great stuff, mostly cash/gift cards, clothes, and an iTouch! I have a lot of iTunes money and I don’t know what I want to use it for. After that, we went to see Sherlock Holmes with my uncle. The movie was great, albeit less great than Avatar, which was the best movie ever made. Popcorn for breakfast is the best! Next, we picked up my dad’s patient, who we had over for dinner because she would have been all alone (no one should be alone on Christmas!). Her story is very interesting; in short, her house was destroyed in an earthquake, her daughter offered her to live with her family up in Oregon, who then dumped her on the side of the road and took her money. She had to live homeless for a couple weeks, until social services helped her out. Now she manages apartment-type homes, which is a credit to her resilience. She had some pretty interesting stories to share with us at the table. After she left, we watched some Star Trek episodes, then my uncle left. And that’s pretty much the end of an awesome Christmas! Though, it’s still going to feel a lot like Christmas for a little bit. I’m very pleased with how it all turned out.

Stupid Courtroom Questions

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 00:12:28 -0500

Stupid Courtroom Questions:

(via noraevong) LOL at the brain one

formspring.me

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 03:31:42 -0500

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/playbig

The Official Rules For Calling Shotgun (It's on Facebook but I AM NOT JOINING ANOTHER GROUP!)

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 15:16:42 -0500

entersandman:

mel-dc:

1. The Shotgunner must be in clear sight of the car, and shotgun can be called regardless of whether the driver is in sight of the car

2. If you are the first to be picked up on a journey, you are automatically given shotgun, until you violate the other shotgun laws and thus, forfeit your position, the seat is yours

3. you cannot declare shot gun if someone has previously declared shotgun for that journey.

4. When simultaneous shotgun is called, there is then a foot race to the passenger side door from the all the people who called

5. Shotgun cannot be called whilst inside a building (unless you are in a multi story or underground car park!)

6. Shotgun cannot be called in advance, only whilst on the way to the car for the journey

7. On the call shotgun if the driver wants to mix things up a bit he can call reload, this means that all calls of shotgun before that are void and the first person to call shotgun again gets the seat… and if u plain don’t like the person who called shotgun. This is often used when there is a simultanious call and the driver is unsure of the outcome, also a shotgun can have 2 barrels so a reload can only be called once

8. If a person calls shotgun and someone else really wants it they may challenge it. This is done by dropping the pants around the ankles and saying “I challenge you.” If the person doesn’t accept the challenge they forfeit their shotgun to the challenger. If they accept the challenge they also drop their pants to their ankles. Then they race to the car with their pants around their ankles and the first to touch the car receives shotgun.

9. Once shotgun has been called for the front seat then back left and back right can be called, thus leaving the fifth person who is travelling in the middle (or the “bitch” seat)

10. Being as how everyone is created equal, men have the same right as women to the front seat of the car. i.e. women don’t own the front seat!

11. In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun.

12. Once the journey is underway, the driver is the obvious controller of the tunes. However if they feel the road needs their full concentration, or they simply cannot be arsed any more, duty is passed to the shotgunner. however putting on crap tunes or allowing for silence when the ipod finishes a song or ANY instances of TAKE THAT will result in demotion to bitch seat.

13. Shoe Rule, anyone calling shotgun must have their shoes on, this is to stop people running outside and calling shotgun, then having to go back inside to put their shoes on, thus slowing the journey

14. Shotgun overrules Dibs, Baggsy’s and and other girly calls!

15. despite the debate, shotgun can be used to shotgun things other than the front seat (eg back left, back right, women, not going to answer the door etc etc etc)

16. If travelling with a couple, one of the couple must shotgun the front…..no one wants to chauffer two of their mates whilst they are sat in the back all over each other

17. If someone has successfully called shotgun, this gives them no right whatsoever to correct the driver on their navigation skills (“take a left here you dickhead!”) or driving ability (“I’d be in third gear if i was drving”) if the passenger does this then they forfeit their position as shotgun holder

18. if someone says “whats shotgun?” after it has been called then they have to walk

19. If you come up to the car and you already have whos shotgun..the driver gets in and reaches over to unlock the shotgun door. if shotgun opens it before its actually unlocked..(this happens when the driver is still trying to unlock it and person pulls on handle) they have to give up there rights as shotgun. Therefore..shotgun suicide!

20. The successful shotgunner, in the front of a vehicle, assumes the responsibility for all gate opening, off licence nipping into, takeaway ordering and question asking. He/she is, in essence the co-pilot and therefore the enforcer of behaviour in the vehicle and exacter of slaps/punches/water spraying/bag throwing at the passengers in the back.

21. automatic “couple’s rights act 1997”. This is that, if the driver is the boyfriend/girlfriend of a passenger in the car, they have the right to the seat of their choice.

22. The Pirate Rule - If One of the potential occupants of the vehicle is dressed (convincingly) as a pirate then they are given automatic shotgun. In the occurance of more than one pirate then a sword fight shall determine the succesful shotgunner.

23. When driving past a woman walking a dog, everyone in the car must shout of the window “who’s walking who”, it is the shotgunners responsiblity and failure to spot a potential heckling results in demotin to the bitch seat!

24. Rule the person in shot gun must prvide sufficeant leg room to the person behind them but only to the point where the shotgunner is still comfortible

25. The shotgunner must hold the toll ticket (he/she must not put it to the side because it falls under the seat, putting it under the car visor or in the glove compartment is ok.) The shotgunner must also find change when coming upon a toll booth.

26. When a car is going through a drive-thru of a fast food restaurant, the person next to the driver must hold all of the food items/drinks, no matter how hot or cold, until the vehicle is safely out of the drive-thru path. Then they must distribute the items to their owners

best guide ever

franceschen: Mmm, tuna that my mom ordered from Yard House Bar...

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 13:32:35 -0500

franceschen:

Mmm, tuna that my mom ordered from Yard House Bar & Grill

YUM

I cleaned my room and found some cool stuff! Check it out.

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 02:55:53 -0500

A two year old playbook!

Phew! I barely passed...

Two best movies ever.

I didn't know Abi yet! Cool xD

Gunz. Nuff said.

I cleaned my room and found some cool stuff! Check it out.

Dogs vs. Cats

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 15:39:08 -0500

The question has been around seemingly since the beginning of time: Which is better, dogs or cats? Although I am, and always have been, a dog owner, I will provide a clear record of my purely objective pursuit to discover the answer.

In order to accurately ascertain an answer to any question, a defining set of qualifications must be established. Since it is Christmas time, I have decided to base my judgments on the popular holiday song, “12 Days of Christmas.” There will be twelve categories; I will analyze how well each contender fits with the theme of each day, and grade them on a scale from 1 to 5 for each one. The contestant with the most points wins. After all, the one that fits best with this beloved holiday must clearly be better.

Day 1: True Love

Dogs - Perhaps the most famous quality dogs are known for is loyalty. How does this tie in to true love? Quite simply, dogs are loyal out of love. It may be love for their master, love for food, or even love for toilet water; in any case, love. Their simple nature qualifies me to note total commitment in this love. Thus, I award dogs 5 points for this category.

Cats - Cats are very complex creatures. Infamous for their complicated personalities, cat owners must continually strive to please their prissy companions in order to attain some vestige of affection. Admittedly, a cat is as able as any other animal to portray love once these efforts have proven sufficient. Due to their hard-to-get attitude, I grant cats 3 points for this category.

Day 2, 3, and 4: Turtle Doves, French Hens, and Calling Birds

Dogs - Although Turtle Doves are a widely recognized sign of peace, they can be a nuisance at some times; just look at the interplanetary war a Dove caused in Mars Attacks!. French hens lay eggs, which are delicious, but also make annoying gobbling noises. Calling birds call you and call you, and when you finally turn around and scream “WHAT?!” at them, they fly away, leaving you extremely frustrated and possibly discolored in the face. Large plants, freshly washed windshields, and unfortunate children receive “presents” from these members of the Aviary family every day. Dogs have an undying yearning to kill things such as Turtle Doves, french hens, and calling birds, and for that I am thankful. There can be disadvantages to this instinct, however, namely in the form of bloody, feathery messes under the table during Thanksgiving dinner that end up infecting half the family with the Bird Flu. I give dogs 3 points for this category.

Cats - Cats exhibit similar hunting instincts. To their credit, they don’t seem to take as much pleasure as dogs in making the house ridden with death; they keep the dead birds outside, where they belong. For this, cats get 5 points for Days 2, 3, and 4.

Day 5: Five Golden Rings

Dogs - Golden rings are not meant to be used by dogs, obviously. But the original makers of golden rings didn’t take into account the fact that old ladies with small lapdogs like to pamper their little friends with all sorts of oddities. If I were rating golden rings, I would definitely consider this affront to dogs and old ladies in my awarding of points. However, since I am rating dogs, and not golden rings, I digress. Dogs, if faced by five golden rings, would most likely sniff, taste, then eat them. In some cases, one or more of the rings may become stuck around the tongue, making people with lots of piercings (e.g. tongue rings) happy. As a result of the otherwise complete incompatibility of dogs and five golden rings, I give dogs 2 point for this category.

Cats - I believe a cat’s reaction to a pile of five golden rings would starkly contrast with that of a dog. The cat would probably observe from a distance for several minutes, slowly approach its target, sniff it once or twice, then paw the pile around. Eventually, its interest would fade. To me, the cat’s reaction to golden rings lacks enthusiasm. Call me Emerson, but I cherish a little flame of hope in my heart that one should approach life with earnest, as an empty sponge would pass through an overcast day with light drizzling. Personally insulted by cats’ general disregard for golden rings, I give them 1 point.

Day 6: Geese A-Laying

Dogs - Back in the day, there was a cartoon called Courage the Cowardly Dog. In this show, Courage, a small purple-pink dog with spots, would have to endure numerous encounters with a plethora of fearsome creatures (typically other animals) to save his beloved mother figure and owner, Muriel, while dealing with her husband Eustace’s cruel neglect. In one episode, Courage’s adversary is a goose from the heavens bent on making Muriel his goosey bride. After Courage employs a variety of affectionate methods to win Muriel, the godly goose finally returns to the heavens with Eustace’s beat up pick-up truck; the horn is a major turn-on for him. Giving my only experience that involves both dogs and geese due consideration, I award dogs 4 points for this day.

Cats - My lack of experience with the relationship between cats and geese forces me to analyze stereotypes of each animal, then synthesize a virtual situation in which they interact. One thing that cats are widely known for is their fear of water, and hence, their disinclination to swim. Geese, on the other hand, supposedly spend half their time in water, and make a honking noise whose nuisance becomes proportionally larger with time spent honking. Naturally, one would want to silence the bothersome fowl. Unless you decide to hurl your cat at the waterborne thing, that infernal honking will not receive the clawed fury it deserves. Another consideration I have made derives from my viewership of America’s Funnies Home Videos. In this show, people from all over the fine nation of the United States are encouraged to share funny moments of their life caught on tape. This is just a front, however; the true meaning behind the show is to exact revenge on your ex-husband or ex-wife, and to torture small children and animals with ridiculous antics. While watching the gruesomely hilarious show, one may note an abundance of goose vs. child videos. A goose typically will regard the child with weary curiosity initially, then strike with ferocity, at once coaxing pitying laughter from the crowd and traumatic lifelong memories in the child. My only experiences with cats as a child left me with inflamed pink and red claw marks on my hands and face. For both the scary similarity of aggressiveness toward children and cats’ inability to silence the honking of geese, I give 2 points to cats for this section.

Day 7: Swans A-Swimming

I’m pretty tired of evaluating birds. Why are there so many birds in this song? My laziness compels me to just give both dogs and cats 5 points for this category.

Day 8: Maids A-Milking

Dogs - Dogs’ overwhelming affection can, at times, be just that - overwhelming. Imagine a scene where maids are milking a cow. There are buckets under the utters, cold atop the hay-fettered wood floor. As with any task involving maids, there are small boys outside the barn peeking inside through cracks in the crudely constructed walls. The owner of this farm, and employer of these maids, has realized the invasion of privacy pestering the maids. So, he trains a dog to chase the boys off the farm and ensure the maids peace of mind. The dog does its job flawlessly, day after day sending the small boys away in a flurry of frightened size 3 shoes. One day, though, the farmer notices a pungent odor coming from beneath the barn. Further investigation leads to the discovery of the thoroughly chewed arm of remarkably similar size to the arms of small boys. A police official, passing by on his way to the local coffee shop, notices the farmer holding the arm and inquires upon the matter. He tells the farmer he has to notify the police department, and a formal investigation will take place. Just a formality, the cop thinks nothing more of the situation than being a simple accident with a guard dog - the kid probably had it coming to him. Then the police department uncovers seven decrepit bodies beneath the barn, too old and decomposed to identify. The farmer is promptly arrested and convicted on seven charges of first degree murder. Apparently, he was the infamous serial killer Apple King, known for stuffing apples into his victims’ mouths before roasting them alive. The dog has provided invaluable assistance to his capture, and most likely has saved future victims from the Apple King. Unfortunately, it comes at the cost of a small child (assuming the boy did not run off alive after being gored out of an arm). For this, dogs get 4 points.

Cats - Cats love milk. Beloved 90’s cartoon Tom and Jerry confirms this fact, displaying a near obsession with milk from Tom, the cat, pending any exposure to it. Additionally, kittens have tendencies to fall in their milk. The resulting cuteness compels me to award 4 points to cats.

Day 9: Ladies Dancing

Dogs - Dancing can be an extremely fun activity, especially when there are ladies involved. Any successful party involves dancing ladies at one point or another. Unfortunately, dogs tend to interpret dancing as an attempt to play with them, and respond by jumping on the participants. Crashing to the floor, breaking a hip bone or two, and being trampled on by dancing feet and eager dogs may result. For dogs’ hindering influence on dancing ladies, I give them 1 point.

Cats - Cats are similar to dogs in their ability to dance. However, they are not typically large enough to knock over anyone. Most likely, they will weave between the legs of the dancers in the event of dancing. Since the dancing ladies, whose safety is paramount, are safe, I want to give cats 4 points, but I cannot. The cats will probably be stepped on, trampled, and created a gory mess on the floor. So, I give cats 2 points for this category.

Day 10: Lords A-Leaping

Dogs - Any dog owner knows that if something is leaping, a dog will most likely leap right after it. Any viewer of medieval cinematic presentations is certain of the presence of cutthroat security surrounding a lord. The result - a pincushion of arrows with two less limbs than it should have. Dogs get 1 point.

Cats - The weary nature of cats protect them against becoming bloody spots on the ground. Furthermore, their acrobatic prowess enables them to defeat lords in the name of rival lords - just look at Shrek’s furry feline hero, Puss in Boots. Cats receive 4 points.

Day 11: Pipers Piping

Dogs - Police forces often employ canine units to track down a multitude of things, from fugitives to missing persons. With so many references to pipes on this day of Christmas, I can only conclude that there is an abundant involvement with drugs with these pipers. Canine units will hunt them down and apprehend them before the drugs reach vulnerable targets; a job well done, dogs. You get 5 points.

Cats - Because of their complex personality, drugs claim a special part of cats’ lives. How else can cats’ love for special grasses at the pet store be explained? Perhaps their ability to appreciate drugs gives cats an articulate edge over dogs, but I must take into account the children. Cats will get 2 points.

Day 12: Drummers Drumming

Dogs - Ah, drums. They are the stuff of band practice, concerts, and football games. Who doesn’t love them? Unfortunately, drums require sticks to pound on with, and dogs have a need to bite sticks. A calamitous lack of drums ensues. Now that there are no pumped up football players on the field, dogs can have 2 points.

Cats - Cats really have no effect on drums. They will not bite the drumsticks, and are probably too scared to approach them in any noticeable way. In fact, they will run the other way from the reverberating uproar - right into the path of football players. Not even football players like to clean bits of intestines and brains off their cleats, so cats get 2 points as well.

So, there it is. A completely impartial analysis of dogs’ and cats’ worth, according to the “12 Days of Christmas.” A close race right up to the end, dogs finish with 32 points, and cats with 30 points. Dogs are therefore the narrow winner of this contest. From loyalty to unwanted fetching, they have proven to be the overall better pet. However, I must acknowledge the formidable competition of cats for this title. Cats are respectable pets, and I may even own one at some point in my life. I leave you with this conclusion; accept it as you like. Peace out!

A Phone Call

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 00:16:37 -0500

My two friends, let’s just call them Carah and SaroLea, are extremely unusual. As I am familiarizing myself with Tumblr, they are talking to me via speaker phone. I can’t help but chuckle at the amount of “That’s what she said” moments being provided to me; there are too many for one facetious mind to handle at once. Despite my distaste for phone calls, I have decided to continue this one until its natural conclusion. Let’s see what goes on in the bored hours of Carah and SaroLea’s lives.

“There’s gross stuff on my hands! Let’s just use one of each of our hands to fix your hair.”

-That’s what she said. I can’t help it.

“I am very uncomfortable right now… SaroLea was doing some innappropriate things to me just now… SaroLea, what are you doing? What did you just do to me? She’s doing things to me, Taylor.”

-Lol. Just, lol.

“I want to be a black woman. Wouldn’t that be really cool, Taylor?”

-That would definitely be really cool. There would be several benefits to being a black woman. I won’t go into it too much, but one such benefit comes in the form of verbal superiority. I daresay that black women hold a special place in my heart when it comes to snazzy dialogue. If Carah were to become a black woman, she could say such things as “What’re you lookin’ at, snowflake?” and “Oh no you di’int!” with an unquestionable authority.

The indulgent phone call ceased with abruptness; masterfully done. Only true conversationalists would have realized the value of such an end to such an interesting call. You see, the charm of the experience exists not in the continued entertainment, but in the nature of the call. Colored by spontaneity, the situation demanded a brief conclusion. Well done, Carah and SaroLea; your silliness made for a fun eighteen minutes and fifty-six seconds of fun.